OR2244/8

Personal Diary (evidence of sheets being torn out) of Frederica St. John Rouse-Boughton (later Orlebar)

1859-1864, 1875-1876

From: 1859 To: 1876

(a) reflections on her last night at Lamport Hall, Northamptonshire been nine weeks away from home at Melchbourne and Lamport. done far less positive good than I could have wished and more positive evil. been at Lamport three weeks, something about her stay jarred: habit of pulling people to pieces. plan of the house especially free, easy and delightful. people staying during her visit: Uncle Isham, Emily Isham, Mr. Tredcroft, Th(eres)a Alice and Frederica and Caldwells. pained by ‘total disregard of religion’ there. a veil marking the hopeful and beautiful character of the almost Christian. lonely and sad because no one loved God in this house. most of the party acknowledged him ‘partially in secret’ In the world Christians seen as “negatives” would have been different if had had some encouragement towards public honouring of the Sabbath, to greater Charity towards our neighbours in the three weeks, been less busy than at home, thought more of dress, been more censorious; favours going into society to do her missionary work and pray for those who do not know God. “If each one did this, the evil of balls, parties and everything so mourned over by the good people, would lose its sting.” draws conclusions from five members of the party ‘the Gang’ whose characters she describes (Number 3 is herself) looking forward to quiet Sundays at home. questions sincerity of Emily Isham, abuses people, idle talk on a Sunday. mention Conservatory and Eagle Walk at Lamport. 24 February 1859. not looking forward to Sunday as she should. Missing the ‘Gang’ to a sinful degree not happy on her own, put aside her bible and prayer book. last month – innocent pleasures but they had proved too attractive. ‘My great aim in life should be to glorify God’ lower species of enjoyment: intellectual pursuits, drawing, must be very careful do not engross too much time exciting pursuits including dancing and hunting ‘in which we have been indulging since at Lamport’ reckons God intended that people should indulge in them only “very moderately”, because otherwise do not “allow enough time for thought”. does not agree that dancing is totally evil, so long as do not alienate heart from God. initially disliked levity, satire and indulgence of girls at Lamport then found in each one “a great deal of solid good”. Six pages torn out ‘I will try never to let worldly pleasures again take his place in my heart’. had had to share a room: difficult for ‘very constant prayer’ 27 – 28 February 1859. breathless account of her holiday at Gairloch near Inverness with St. Johns. Frequent scrubbing out of a name (presumably Richard Orlebar’s) ‘I spoke to Aunt E (Eleanor) and told her how little I was capable of what I was afraid they supposed’ Frederica describes herself as ‘too wild and mad with happiness’ 29 July 1859. (b) dreary winter 1859-1860. fog and wind. ‘fierce discussions’ about Theresa and J. Lee Warner, then Aunt Fanny’s illness, the proposed change of plan with her and Frances’ ‘Life just now so made up of littlenesses, small tiny cares, tiny pleasures, all on so small a scale that I feel choked by them’ ‘I feel if some great thing could happen to make ventilation in my life’. In miserable state irritated by her sister Theresa, like ‘a pony with a nervous ambling walk and light mouth’; her marriage would improve matters. sister Mary ‘the steady. quiet broadbacked cob or donkey’. ‘I have spoken about it all to God and I am sure he will set it right . . 14 March 1860. spent one gloriously happy fortnight at Melchbourne (went for her Confirmation) in future won’t let ‘my mind run on Melchbourne. . . . or Scotland’ “will put myself heart and soul into my home duties” unburdened herself to St. Johns of difficulties at home. Won’t allow herself to get estranged from her sisters even if their opinions especially Theresa’s not congenial. reckons ‘by nature pitched too high’ and very apt to be ‘by suffering cast too low’. need for more prayer because will then turn present sorrows into greater blessings. 26 May 1860. full of discussions because of three independent heads. too deep an interest in each other, lack of privacy. her friends discussed and criticized by her sisters; finds it trying when she likes ‘to be more independent in thought and action than is perhaps right for me’. feels walking on top of a crater row in watercolour Exhibition but good sides of sisters unselfishness, kindness especially when in trouble, being interested in every smallest detail about you dislikes Theresa’s perpetual fidget and worry. called in to arbitrate between Theresa and Mary. ‘I feel these things are undermining my peace and happiness and making me hate home’. enumerates all benefits of her home Mary companionable though ‘I would wish her better informed’ Theresa not so – “thoughts bound by household interests and above them she rarely rises” She wishes Frederica to enter ‘into the Freemasonry of the family, to have every thought and every subject of interest in common, which I can not do!” Melchbourne “sort of enchantment to me” describes it’s attraction to her, especially mentions flowers inside and outside the house and description of her bedroom, the Hall mentions Conservatory and small garden. mentions dinner party at the Boultbees ‘meeting one old friend that is, a friend of happy old days, talking over Scotland and everything’ (Richard Orlebar?) Orlebars come to lunch; meets Rachel Orlebar and becomes friendly with her. describes her aunt’s character. describes visionary ideal life. ‘It is an impersonation of good sense, good feeling and strong religious principle with nothing at all startling about it in any way, but eminently fitted to go through this grinding down, rushing world without being contaminated by it’ . . . . “sort of sequel to our June in Scotland” mentioned all component parts of her life (home, Melchbourne, visionary) including that that might be but never will” 27 – 29 May 1860. (c) been two years wife of Richard Orlebar ‘every day I find truer the description I furtively gave of him in my last entry’ knew as much of him before she married him as a woman can know of her husband has his faults negative rather than positive. his virtues are of that particular home born kind that make a wife’s happiness. “sweet, unselfish words and deeds”. “babies will soon be old enough to copy Richard” would like man composed half of Richard and half of Charley (Rouse-Boughton) (‘In many things I take after Charley’) Rouse’s character described: docility and sweet temper’ Beauchamp’s character described: ‘is pretty’, used to love him best, now loves them equally. mentions joy of nursing Beauchamp, prays to God to keep them safe 24 February 1864. (d) Right and wrong, ‘God’ and ‘Devil’ seemed to have got muddled since clear insight of 1864 had crisis of faith but ‘I have laid fast to the old idea, once more, and am a Christian because I cannot get along being anything else’. difficulty with question of Judgement, previously thought own group of friends good and therefore ‘saved’, rest of people ‘bad’ from whom ranks of Hell were to be drawn. in fact finds out generality of people no worse than oneself. attacks idea of absolute right and wrong. Virtues taken to extremes become Vices. longing for light, a voice through the fog “as one fancies a Clergyman might supply, but never does, never has, at any rate to me” difficulty in judging other people’s actions easy to think no one exactly right but compare Christ throwing out moneychangers in Temple. i.e. is it laxity of principle or real charity. longing for presence of Holy Ghost in her heart especially at Whitsuntide. 7 March 1875. (I) Spending Sunday - describes Sunday at Larden; found it a refreshing day. – ideas shaken at Lamport and Gairloch staggered to see Richard read novels on a Sunday. Five Years at Hinwick Hall, four at The Lodge, now nearly five at Hinwick House. Some of the years at the Lodge ‘dreadfully troubled and upset in my mind’ ‘freed from monotonous bondage of the Hall’. dared to live and think. “dreadful chaos in my mind for some time” Horrible darkness, all around” clings more fervently to God widens friendship to include more secular people. turning away from deep thought on religion for fear of uncovering another unanswerable question. ‘there is no one to go to, no clergyman to tell me what to do. They all moan on with their long spun out truisms which suit the poor people so well, but are like pap to me, like a mirage of water in the desert.’ gives detailed description of tediousness and sterility of her worship and her Sunday. [N.B. she worshipped at Podington Church with Geldart as Vicar] bored by rereading of the Bible. “nothing fresh to think about” so many Bible stories. describes how her mind wanders during the Litany. during Sermon either learns a Hymn or drops asleep. Describes her Sunday School – seven girls taught in the Gun Room eloquent and assuring them, without hesitation of the absolute truth and certainty of all the facts . . . . . “ “I hope God will forgive me the great lie I am telling – and yet it isn’t a lie. I can’t clearly see the facts. I state to them as upon my own personal conviction but yet I see them clearly enough to act on them in my own life, as I act on Bradshaw, dumbly taking a great deal for granted.” ‘so wearied wings against the sides of my cage, I have now seen the necessity of being still’ only pleasure in the day private prayer by her bedside. ‘Still God holds my hand, I believe, and his touch is soft in the darkness’. (II) How to pray: deals with problem of unanswered prayer, need for constant and hearty prayer for reform of someone to work. then deals with question of ‘vain repetitions’ “on Sundays we have two family prayers, two private prayers, two churches, and a Sunday Class. Prayer in all of which we ask . . . . about the same thing” difficulty of one sided conversation. 21 March 1875. (III) Going to the Theatre: been to see ‘Round the World in 80 Days’ as a ballet, dancers scantily dressed. for my own part I think an immense deal of nastiness often lurks behind the “respectability of us ‘ladies’ or upper class women” Fostering little scandals; chaffing girls about imaginary love affairs. ridiculous society’s conventions on dress, but reckons it unfair to dancers to take off more clothes than other modest women. her own strong love for acting – God given, wrong to crush it. decides it would be good to take child to theatre ‘fairy’ atmosphere would overcome indecency side. need for excitement not provided by picture galleries and museums. day to day household work turns a person into ‘someone else’ 6 June 1875. Frederica happier, possible effect of talking to Miriam. “since Mr. Randall came and cared for me and put disagreeable duties before me and spoke the truth? . . . . . Was it that that man has as keen a sense of fun as of religion . . . . . or that after long debates with myself I had it out with Mr. Geldart and realized at a glance the largeness of his heart and the smallness of his mind and gave him up once for all as a bad lot.” [ Geldart, Vicar of Podington. The Reverend J. Leslie Randall - for his career see OR2277/1-3. Visited Hinwick 1875] that Mr. Randall and Mr. Barker so clearly believe in God, helped her bothered about Beauchamp, learnt to trust him, just got Scholarship to Repton. Dullness of trying to read Bible to two sons in place of evening service. Rouse utterly uninterested, wants to spend it a la Eton, seeing it as a ‘spoiled weekday’ boys don’t work at school but improve in every other way 6 August 1876. ‘The one thing needful’ religion. tension between religion theoretical side – selfish and alone and practical; done with others but causing the person to ignore prayer. undated ? August 1876. whole covers 1859-1864, 1875-1876. loose in the end of the book, Printed Poem: ‘The Child that I was’ by H.L.B.

Published copy available in searchroom as MIC 301

Published as a microfilm by academic publishers Adam Matthew.

item

Orlebar, Frederica St.John,
Rouse-Boughton, Frederica St.John,
Isham, Emily,
Tredcroft,
Rouse-Boughton, Theresa,
Rouse-Boughton, Mary,
Caldwell,
St.John,
Orlebar, Richard,
Warner, J. Lee,
Rouse-Boughton, Charles Henry,
Orlebar, Rachel,
Boultbee,
Orlebar, Rouse,
Orlebar, Beauchamp,
Geldart,
Randall, J. Leslie,
Barker (d)

personal diaries, Lamport [Northamptonshire], MELCHBOURNE, Christianity, dancing, hunting, Scotland, Hinwick Hall, Hinwick House, Podington Lodge, PODINGTON, CHURCH, vicar, Bible, Sunday Schools, prayers, theatre, Repton School, Eton College