X953/2/27/4

Letter to Mary from her daughter, Mary Everett Sanders (‘May’).

12 June 1890

From: 1890 To: 1890

Written at Cairnbrook College [Churchfields, Woodford, Essex]. My own darling Mother, You cannot imagine what trouble I am in. A week ago tomorrow Miss Gain told me of a few things that I must try to improve in, chiefly in my behaviour. She owned they were very small things but she had to be very particular before the boarders. I wrote and told Edith all about it as I was rather troubled, and I thought I would not make you anxious; things like this: she told me I had drank some water before eating once or twice, put my finger on the blade of my knife. Of course I knew that it was bad behaviour to do so and I am sure it was only through carelessness. She told me that was my great fault. She said also that of course I knew I was only here as an experiment, and that she did not think it likely that she would have to make a change. As for myself you know how I have felt by my letters. I thought I was getting on very nicely and I liked my work and was as happy as I could be away from home. Today after dinner she told me that she must make a change and that I should have to leave this term. Her chief reason for this she said was that I was much too young, my character was not developed enough, that she would have to have some one 23 or 24 with more experience and one who could have more influence with the boarders. This would not have troubled me a bit if she had stopped there, but she as good as told me that I was a hypocrite, that Miss Besley always liked to have a little quiet thought and prayer before the morning’s work, but she knew I never got out of bed until after the bell rang. She said also that my coming back late on the Tuesday morning had upset her more than anything and that she considered you and I had taken mean advantage of them and that I might have known that if I started at 9 o’clock I should not have been here in time. She said also that none of the girls liked me, also that they could not possibly leave me in the house if they went out, as they most probably would have to be away at their sister’s wedding, that she thought at the beginning I was a girl of more character because the first Sunday evening I was reading the Ruth Erskine’s trial and I had told them something about it how I liked it, and something about the tale itself. She said also she could tell I was used to village ways, by the way I talked. I positively could not say anything to her I was so taken aback, and it was all I could to to keep up. I did feel insulted, I had all the afternoon school to go through, and you can imagine how bad I felt. She told me her brothers and sisters liked my writing and my letter but she hadn’t from the beginning. She told me that she would write to you if I liked and explain it and that the reason she would give that I was much too young and my character undeveloped. She says of course it was their fault at the beginning to engage anyone so young. She advises me to go into a school where there are other governesses. I think perhaps it is best I should leave. The girls are much older than I expected, but I seem to have got on with them, and I feel sure they do not dislike me. I thought we were just beginning to know one another. From Miss Gain’s behaviour to me I should not have thought she had such thoughts about me. She has told me all the family secrets and all her own and her sister’s. She has gone away to stay with Miss Besley until Tuesday morning. I shall tell the eldest Miss Gain what Miss A. Gain said to me and ask her if she thinks the same. Do you think I had better look out for another situation while I am near London? I have certainly had an experience here which will perhaps develop my character a little bit. Dearest Mother, I daresay the first that enter your head will be to write a dignified epistle to Miss Gain, but I think you will only make it more uncomfortable for me here if you do. I suppose I shall go on to the end of term like I have been doing until now. I have behaved quite naturally; perhaps it would have been better if I had not. Of course I can hardly realise it yet; I do not know in what light hardly to consider it. I hardly know either what you will think of it; write and tell me exactly Mother darling, please do not tell anyone what Miss Gain said to me, say that I am too young that is really the reason. I wish I had taken your advice at first (vain regrets). Would you like a letter from Miss Gain? Write and tell me. She will not be home until Tuesday. Of course this has all had to do with the youngest Miss Gain; she says that is one of the reasons she could[?] not come and speak to you because she could not say I pleased her in everything. The eldest Miss G. has quite a diff.[erent?] schoolroom and I have nothing to do with her. I was so happy this morning with your delightful letter. What a diff.[erence] a few more hours can make. I should like the linen centre for the table. I do not know what to say about seeing Edith. I should love to see her and tell her everything, but it would have to be after 4:30 and I could go for a walk with her. I don’t see that she need come here. Do not think me unhappy, Mother, because I do not think I shall be that; you know how I bear things. It is seven weeks to the end of the term; of course I shall not think of staying if I have the offer which is unlikely. Whatever will all my friends and Mrs. Brown think? Perhaps I may write to her. Do not worry, Mother darling. Write to me directly you get this. I do not think Miss meant all she said. With very very much love my own darling precious Mother Your loving May If only I could come and have a good talk with you. I feel much better for having told you everything.

item

Besley,
Gain, Alice,
Gain, Jessie,
Sanders, Mary,
Sanders, Edith Annie,
Sanders, Mary Everett

Woodford [Essex], Essex Cairnbrook College, family correspondence, EDUCATION, pupil teachers, teaching